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It's sad that I miss you everyday. It's just sad that feelings remained unsaid, It's so sad that we only have to keep it to ourselves.  It's just Sad.  But I know it's for the best.  Loving you from afar,  I even met you in my dreams, Having a good time.  But I know it will remain in my dream. You will always be the sweetest memory, I will never forget.

"Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone happy is the most lonely person" and  he  replied "seriously 😀". Yes  seriously because  I know myself  how to be sad  and it feels  not good and  sometimes  really so so lonely. So I want  that  the  people around  me is happy. By that  I can also be happy seeing  them happy. 

Sometimes we  don't really let go of the person we love. We just learn how to cope on the situation  given to us. We learn how to put  our  mask  and  smile even  deep down in our  hearts we are crying.We learn how  to  laugh even we are so broken. We adapt and survive. We live and we hope that someday everything  will be okay. 

The dark has always felt like home to me. I always want to sleep so dark. And if  I'm so lonely I just  want to stay my room  and bed. I always  find comfort in darkness And maybe I just belong to the night. Like the moon and the stars.  I know once you've been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.

 he said: "Find a reason to play" me thinking and get tired because the reason I play  is him. Before  he said why not make me a reason for you to continue to play. And seem he already  forgot why I'm back at playing haha

 The problem with getting attached to someone. Is when they leave you, you just feel lost. I'm always alone even I got friends, most of the time  I'm alone. So  they don't bother asking  me if  I'm coming or not. When I get attached to someone, I always  try to ready myself as I know someday they will hurt me. Because they won't  be around  forever. They will just be there for you to comfort you when  you needed them. Or vice versa your the one helping  and comforting them. That's why you are together for now. 

Shutting down myself is far worse than  me  exploding. I just want to shutdown so  I can no longer feel any  pain.  In this way  It's easy for me to say what ever I feel or in my mind to the person that hurt me the most. I've already said things over and over to the point I don't care anymore. I don't want to ask anything anymore. Because when I explode, I will be totally a mess and I think it  will be harder to fix  myself by then. And I think when I explode  it means  I still fight for what I believe we had.

Before I give up on anyone, I try  and I try and I try until I no longer can try anymore. Means  I'm so tired  of  trying and just  wanna  give up  on everything. Even  it  will cost  me  so much  pain. I think it  will be for the best, not  for me  but for  him. And  me by giving up means everything. Forget everything, 

 All these time I tried to be good, be at your side and  make you happy. Or maybe I just thought  I'm  making you happy but the truth is not. I wanted you to choose me. Yes you did say you  choose me. But  I know you choose me because  I fight for you, because  I'm the one beside you. But  you didn't choose  me because you really like me.  All these days and weeks, I think  I just leave in my own  world. Thinking you cared for me, thinking you really like me, believing it was all real. But in the end, all I had was the role I played as the fool and my heart  was  once again  torn  into pieces.

I'm not asking you to stay for the rest of my life... Stay as long as you like... No whys.. no hows... no buts... no promises... just stay... It's more than enough

 She said  if  he is confused whether to be with you or not. Stop it already. You cannot be someone "second choice" or someone "maybe" or someone "what if" or someone "I'm not sure". You deserve better. You need someone  who knows exactly what they want. But why its hard for me to  do process all the words you say.