Shutting down myself is far worse than  me  exploding. I just want to shutdown so  I can no longer feel any  pain.  In this way  It's easy for me to say what ever I feel or in my mind to the person that hurt me the most. I've already said things over and over to the point I don't care anymore. I don't want to ask anything anymore. Because when I explode, I will be totally a mess and I think it  will be harder to fix  myself by then. And I think when I explode  it means  I still fight for what I believe we had.